3 Days to Live

3 days.. that's what my dad has left of his life.

I'm crying daily but again, it's not the loss of him, it's the loss of a concept, the dysfunction of my family, the loss of support for my brother who is close to him.

Just don't ask me how I am.

Isn't it ironic? Salty tears

My life is full of irony.

I put up a blog a few days ago about my dad titled "12 Things I Hate About You". Then, I found my brother on Face book after a few years of not knowing how to reach him. I say Hi, figure we can catch up and he drops a bomb on me.

My dad is being flown to a V.A. hospital for surgery today, angioplasty in his feet due to diabetes infection. If it doesn't work they'll have to amputate his feet. If that happens he will most likely die because his heart and kidneys aren't healthy.

For my own mental and emotional health and well-being I cut him out of my life 18 years ago, not that he was in it much before, but he managed to be around long enough to permanently ruin the relationship. Short version, alcoholic, divorced when I was 3, put my mom in the hospital with a broken arm plus other injuries, tried to kill us all by playing shooting gallery with us as the targets. As an adult I tried to heal the relationship reaching out to him, only to have him steal from me, sabotaging any trust I offered.

I feel loss... but it's not for him. I feel as much compassion for him as I would for any stranger in similar circumstances, but due to his own choices in life, he is a stranger to me. My loss is that of someone who has never had a father. I mourn that I never had a father figure that I could trust. I cry for what I never had. I cry for what I'll never know.

So, yes, I feel loss. This possible death is merely a reminder of what I never had, salt in the wounds of my heart... maybe that's why tears are salty.

Dear Dad 12 things I hate about you

I can't believe the things you've done, the things you used to say.
1 I hate that you chose alcohol and then you went away.
2 I hate that I was scared of you. You scare me to this day.
3 I hate that you broke mom's arm and tried to kill us all.
4 I hate that you never paid for your crimes. You have a lot of gall.
5 I hate that when I look into the mirror I see your eyes.
6 I hate the wasted effort to please you, all the useless tries.
7 I hate that you pawned my things so you could have your fun.
8 I hate the memory of your shots at me that caused me to fear a gun.
9 I hate that you messed up right from wrong for me in my youth.
10 I hate that there are so many of me out there trying to see that truth.
11 I hate that I have to fight this legacy each day.
12 I hate that it was better for you to leave instead of stay.
I've walked a thousand extra miles to all the others' steps.
My pillow is my witness for all the nights I've wept.

War against bitterness

I've been watching America's Next Top Model and watching the models hug each other reminds me of two giraffes wrapping their necks around each other. Are models the giraffes of the human herd?
I hope that I am not a bitter cynical person. I have had occasion to run into a person who is bitter and cynical who does nothing but criticize the people around her. Even though she shares the same circumstances of need she acts like she is better and takes every chance to talk about their faults. She even makes assumptions that allow her to be even harsher without requiring proof. Though I am going through a tough time in my life I hope that I do not end up a bitter old woman.

Advice, so easy to give, so hard to take

I give advice to people all the time to leave when they're not in a good relationship. People tell battered women "Leave!". If a battered woman kills her partner everyone says, "Why didn't she just walk away?"
I am not in a relationship with a batterer, but I am in a relationship that is going nowhere, day after day, for 7 years now. I can't explain to anyone why I would stay in a relationship where I feel like nothing, day after day. How sad is it that a video game is more important than me? What kind of horrible ugly person must I be when someone who says they love me would rather spend time punching buttons on a keyboard than helping make our house a home? I feel lower than dirt. I can't even talk about this with people face to face without crying which makes me sick and disgusted with myself. I go back and forth between knowing that I'm better than this, that I deserve more, and feeling like I must be the ugliest thing on the earth and stupid to let someone treat me like this.
I also feel guilty for asking for more than I deserve. I think that's from growing up being told to "be seen and not heard", "put others first", "be quiet", "You're the reason my life is hell. If it weren't for you I would have a good life."
So, through my tears, I am going to go forward and not give up. Even if I don't deserve better, I won't continue like this. I will trust that the sun will rise on me tomorrow and shed light on my shadows.

Bad dogs!

Normally, I love and adore my two dogs. Winter's over and now we get to go on walks everyday which they love and I love because it's peaceful (as long as there are no other dogs in sight). For some reason, they've decided it's okay to start peeing on things in the house. I came home to a chair peed on. I went up stairs to go to bed and they had peed on the edge of the comforter that had reached the floor.

Normally they don't do this. They're both fixed so I don't think it's spring urges. Normally they only go on the washable rugs in the breezeway. Maybe I should buy the potty patch I see on TV.

I think they resent me for working so much lately, 64 hours a week and a sleep over between the two jobs. It's a little crazy. Maybe I need to hire a dog walker to give them extra walks. I used to lock them in the breezeway while I was gone but since the boyfriend sleeps during the day they bark and wake him up. I guess anything's worth a shot. I'm going to try leaving the back door open to their dog run and hope not too many bugs crawl in.

Once again, wish me luck!

Frustration!

Ah! I'm so frustrated! I just had $1,200.00 garnished from my checking account for medical bills. Just when you think you might get ahead the black hole tries to pull you back in.

So, I'm off to work to regain some of that money and hopefully my house payment will clear! Grr!

I'm not saying I didn't owe my medical bills (for a foot surgery). I'm just saying the timing is never good and my finances never seem to get ahead.

Rant! Rant! Vent!

Later.

Waiting for a star to fall

If you've read my previous blogs (all both of them) you'll know that I am trying to be the rebel star escaping a black hole. Now, there are worse black holes than the one trying to suck me in, but it's stale, stagnant, and depressing so I need a fresh spring breeze to toss me out of orbit.

Why is it that I feel bad for this person when I see them depressed when I know that I have done more than my share for 7 years to try and change things?

I expect a grown adult to help with household chores! I used to think that if I tried asking or making a list or rewarding an adult with sex for a clean house that I would get it... didn't work. On that note, why does a clean house make me feel like having sex? Is that disturbing to anyone else? It's not so much that I see a clean house and *boom* leap onto the bed... but if I come home and the house is clean... I think that's romantic.

Hmm... *note to self - call therapist again*

*note to self - get a therapist to call*

I think it's knowing that if the house is clean and organized it helps me feel clean and organized so my mind is able to relax and when my mind relaxes, my body can relax.

*note to self - cancel therapist, figured it out this time*

Kate needs Allie or vice versa

So, here's my dilemma today.

I am trying to find a room mate / house mate who wouldn't mind sharing a huge house, huge yard, long drive way with a single mom, moody teenage daughter and two yappy little dogs in small town Northwest Iowa aka Spencer.

I'm working 64 hours a week, the house and yard are a mess, and I can't get rid of my current relationship attachment / current housemate (who loves the video game WOW enough to play it 15 hours a day but can't remember to take out the garbage) until I have a replacement to help with finances. I don't want a new relationship... I just want a new room mate / house mate.

No psychos.
No smokers (inside anyway).
No drugs or alcohol in the house.
No drug or alcohol addicts.
No video game addicts, especially WOW players, see current relationship attachment / current housemate above, (exceptions made for ice cream and chocolate addicts provided they don't steal mine).
No pervs, sex offenders, sex addicts, or convicts.

Single mom with kids okay provided the children are somewhat tame and at least as house trained as my dogs (i.e. they only go on the washable rugs in the breeze way). *that was a joke...mostly*

Why should that be so hard to find?

Escaping the Black Hole

I spent the evening with many amazing people tonight listening to Angela Shelton (AngelaShelton.com) at Women's Night Out for CAASA (http://www.facebook.com/pages/Centers-Against-Abuse-and-Sexual-Assault-CAASA/283622507160?v=wall) in Spencer, Iowa. I also met Kim Lampe (modernbagladies.com). She convinced me to start blogging.

Angela talked about many things including unity among women to fight domestic violence, child abuse, and sexual assault. These are hard topics to discuss and at the end of the night it leaves me remembering what I have overcome in my life. I usually minimize the past, forget about it. I have faced it and overcome it in many ways but sometimes it creeps back up and I realize it's affecting areas of my life. I let my past replay in my present but putting up with things that I shouldn't. I'm going to list some of my past in hopes of pushing myself into a better future.

My father was abusive and an alcoholic. When I was 3 years old he tried to kill my family, my mother, my 4 year old brother and I by shooting at our house. He cut the electricity and phone lines, sat at the edge of the road in his vehicle and shot at us with a shotgun. I remember laying on the floor of our house, hoping that the bullets wouldn't reach us. A neighbor used a CB to call the cops and they eventually arrived to chase him off. They didn't catch him. For years after this he was still allowed to call, visit, and take us away for visits.

At age 4 my brother and I were molested by baby sitters which only came to a halt after I accidentally drank a glass of rubbing alcohol when the neglectful sitters refused to get me something to drink when I was thirsty. I question this now. Who would leave a full glass of rubbing alcohol sitting out where a 4 year old could reach it?

My brother and I were told over and over again growing up that we were the reasons my mother never had any fun, couldn't keep a boyfriend, and had a horrible life.

In 6th grade I was pulled into a hotel room by an older man and told to take my clothes off, shower and wash my hair in front of him... which I did as my upbringing didn't give me the tools to say no to an adult or run away from a dangerous situation.

At 15 I was raped by my mother's boyfriend after witnessing months of their dysfunctional and abusive relationship.

At 16 my mother loaded her shotgun, put it into her mouth and told me to pull the trigger. This was a manipulation tool she used to get me to do what she wanted as doing anything other than what she wanted was just like killing her... so either do it or kill her. I didn't but many times I wished I had.

I've been married, divorced, and have two children. They are the most wonderful parts of life.

So, escaping the black hole. Angela shared about how stars get sucked into black holes... but a few stars, for no reason that science can explain, escape. She calls those rebel stars. My goal is to be a rebel star and escape the black hole. I've been doing well in many areas of my life, but I realize the relationship part of my life has been getting sucked into a black hole. It's time to escape.

Wish me luck!