Tuesday, March 30, 2010


Ah! I'm so frustrated! I just had $1,200.00 garnished from my checking account for medical bills. Just when you think you might get ahead the black hole tries to pull you back in.

So, I'm off to work to regain some of that money and hopefully my house payment will clear! Grr!

I'm not saying I didn't owe my medical bills (for a foot surgery). I'm just saying the timing is never good and my finances never seem to get ahead.

Rant! Rant! Vent!


Monday, March 29, 2010

Waiting for a star to fall

If you've read my previous blogs (all both of them) you'll know that I am trying to be the rebel star escaping a black hole. Now, there are worse black holes than the one trying to suck me in, but it's stale, stagnant, and depressing so I need a fresh spring breeze to toss me out of orbit.

Why is it that I feel bad for this person when I see them depressed when I know that I have done more than my share for 7 years to try and change things?

I expect a grown adult to help with household chores! I used to think that if I tried asking or making a list or rewarding an adult with sex for a clean house that I would get it... didn't work. On that note, why does a clean house make me feel like having sex? Is that disturbing to anyone else? It's not so much that I see a clean house and *boom* leap onto the bed... but if I come home and the house is clean... I think that's romantic.

Hmm... *note to self - call therapist again*

*note to self - get a therapist to call*

I think it's knowing that if the house is clean and organized it helps me feel clean and organized so my mind is able to relax and when my mind relaxes, my body can relax.

*note to self - cancel therapist, figured it out this time*

Saturday, March 27, 2010

Kate needs Allie or vice versa

So, here's my dilemma today.

I am trying to find a room mate / house mate who wouldn't mind sharing a huge house, huge yard, long drive way with a single mom, moody teenage daughter and two yappy little dogs in small town Northwest Iowa aka Spencer.

I'm working 64 hours a week, the house and yard are a mess, and I can't get rid of my current relationship attachment / current housemate (who loves the video game WOW enough to play it 15 hours a day but can't remember to take out the garbage) until I have a replacement to help with finances. I don't want a new relationship... I just want a new room mate / house mate.

No psychos.
No smokers (inside anyway).
No drugs or alcohol in the house.
No drug or alcohol addicts.
No video game addicts, especially WOW players, see current relationship attachment / current housemate above, (exceptions made for ice cream and chocolate addicts provided they don't steal mine).
No pervs, sex offenders, sex addicts, or convicts.

Single mom with kids okay provided the children are somewhat tame and at least as house trained as my dogs (i.e. they only go on the washable rugs in the breeze way). *that was a joke...mostly*

Why should that be so hard to find?

Thursday, March 25, 2010

Escaping the Black Hole

I spent the evening with many amazing people tonight listening to Angela Shelton (AngelaShelton.com) at Women's Night Out for CAASA (http://www.facebook.com/pages/Centers-Against-Abuse-and-Sexual-Assault-CAASA/283622507160?v=wall) in Spencer, Iowa. I also met Kim Lampe (modernbagladies.com). She convinced me to start blogging.

Angela talked about many things including unity among women to fight domestic violence, child abuse, and sexual assault. These are hard topics to discuss and at the end of the night it leaves me remembering what I have overcome in my life. I usually minimize the past, forget about it. I have faced it and overcome it in many ways but sometimes it creeps back up and I realize it's affecting areas of my life. I let my past replay in my present but putting up with things that I shouldn't. I'm going to list some of my past in hopes of pushing myself into a better future.

My father was abusive and an alcoholic. When I was 3 years old he tried to kill my family, my mother, my 4 year old brother and I by shooting at our house. He cut the electricity and phone lines, sat at the edge of the road in his vehicle and shot at us with a shotgun. I remember laying on the floor of our house, hoping that the bullets wouldn't reach us. A neighbor used a CB to call the cops and they eventually arrived to chase him off. They didn't catch him. For years after this he was still allowed to call, visit, and take us away for visits.

At age 4 my brother and I were molested by baby sitters which only came to a halt after I accidentally drank a glass of rubbing alcohol when the neglectful sitters refused to get me something to drink when I was thirsty. I question this now. Who would leave a full glass of rubbing alcohol sitting out where a 4 year old could reach it?

My brother and I were told over and over again growing up that we were the reasons my mother never had any fun, couldn't keep a boyfriend, and had a horrible life.

In 6th grade I was pulled into a hotel room by an older man and told to take my clothes off, shower and wash my hair in front of him... which I did as my upbringing didn't give me the tools to say no to an adult or run away from a dangerous situation.

At 15 I was raped by my mother's boyfriend after witnessing months of their dysfunctional and abusive relationship.

At 16 my mother loaded her shotgun, put it into her mouth and told me to pull the trigger. This was a manipulation tool she used to get me to do what she wanted as doing anything other than what she wanted was just like killing her... so either do it or kill her. I didn't but many times I wished I had.

I've been married, divorced, and have two children. They are the most wonderful parts of life.

So, escaping the black hole. Angela shared about how stars get sucked into black holes... but a few stars, for no reason that science can explain, escape. She calls those rebel stars. My goal is to be a rebel star and escape the black hole. I've been doing well in many areas of my life, but I realize the relationship part of my life has been getting sucked into a black hole. It's time to escape.

Wish me luck!