Tuesday, April 6, 2010

Advice, so easy to give, so hard to take

I give advice to people all the time to leave when they're not in a good relationship. People tell battered women "Leave!". If a battered woman kills her partner everyone says, "Why didn't she just walk away?"
I am not in a relationship with a batterer, but I am in a relationship that is going nowhere, day after day, for 7 years now. I can't explain to anyone why I would stay in a relationship where I feel like nothing, day after day. How sad is it that a video game is more important than me? What kind of horrible ugly person must I be when someone who says they love me would rather spend time punching buttons on a keyboard than helping make our house a home? I feel lower than dirt. I can't even talk about this with people face to face without crying which makes me sick and disgusted with myself. I go back and forth between knowing that I'm better than this, that I deserve more, and feeling like I must be the ugliest thing on the earth and stupid to let someone treat me like this.
I also feel guilty for asking for more than I deserve. I think that's from growing up being told to "be seen and not heard", "put others first", "be quiet", "You're the reason my life is hell. If it weren't for you I would have a good life."
So, through my tears, I am going to go forward and not give up. Even if I don't deserve better, I won't continue like this. I will trust that the sun will rise on me tomorrow and shed light on my shadows.

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