Thursday, March 25, 2010

Escaping the Black Hole

I spent the evening with many amazing people tonight listening to Angela Shelton (AngelaShelton.com) at Women's Night Out for CAASA (http://www.facebook.com/pages/Centers-Against-Abuse-and-Sexual-Assault-CAASA/283622507160?v=wall) in Spencer, Iowa. I also met Kim Lampe (modernbagladies.com). She convinced me to start blogging.

Angela talked about many things including unity among women to fight domestic violence, child abuse, and sexual assault. These are hard topics to discuss and at the end of the night it leaves me remembering what I have overcome in my life. I usually minimize the past, forget about it. I have faced it and overcome it in many ways but sometimes it creeps back up and I realize it's affecting areas of my life. I let my past replay in my present but putting up with things that I shouldn't. I'm going to list some of my past in hopes of pushing myself into a better future.

My father was abusive and an alcoholic. When I was 3 years old he tried to kill my family, my mother, my 4 year old brother and I by shooting at our house. He cut the electricity and phone lines, sat at the edge of the road in his vehicle and shot at us with a shotgun. I remember laying on the floor of our house, hoping that the bullets wouldn't reach us. A neighbor used a CB to call the cops and they eventually arrived to chase him off. They didn't catch him. For years after this he was still allowed to call, visit, and take us away for visits.

At age 4 my brother and I were molested by baby sitters which only came to a halt after I accidentally drank a glass of rubbing alcohol when the neglectful sitters refused to get me something to drink when I was thirsty. I question this now. Who would leave a full glass of rubbing alcohol sitting out where a 4 year old could reach it?

My brother and I were told over and over again growing up that we were the reasons my mother never had any fun, couldn't keep a boyfriend, and had a horrible life.

In 6th grade I was pulled into a hotel room by an older man and told to take my clothes off, shower and wash my hair in front of him... which I did as my upbringing didn't give me the tools to say no to an adult or run away from a dangerous situation.

At 15 I was raped by my mother's boyfriend after witnessing months of their dysfunctional and abusive relationship.

At 16 my mother loaded her shotgun, put it into her mouth and told me to pull the trigger. This was a manipulation tool she used to get me to do what she wanted as doing anything other than what she wanted was just like killing her... so either do it or kill her. I didn't but many times I wished I had.

I've been married, divorced, and have two children. They are the most wonderful parts of life.

So, escaping the black hole. Angela shared about how stars get sucked into black holes... but a few stars, for no reason that science can explain, escape. She calls those rebel stars. My goal is to be a rebel star and escape the black hole. I've been doing well in many areas of my life, but I realize the relationship part of my life has been getting sucked into a black hole. It's time to escape.

Wish me luck!

No comments:

Post a Comment