I give advice to people all the time to leave when they're not in a good relationship. People tell battered women "Leave!". If a battered woman kills her partner everyone says, "Why didn't she just walk away?"
I am not in a relationship with a batterer, but I am in a relationship that is going nowhere, day after day, for 7 years now. I can't explain to anyone why I would stay in a relationship where I feel like nothing, day after day. How sad is it that a video game is more important than me? What kind of horrible ugly person must I be when someone who says they love me would rather spend time punching buttons on a keyboard than helping make our house a home? I feel lower than dirt. I can't even talk about this with people face to face without crying which makes me sick and disgusted with myself. I go back and forth between knowing that I'm better than this, that I deserve more, and feeling like I must be the ugliest thing on the earth and stupid to let someone treat me like this.
I also feel guilty for asking for more than I deserve. I think that's from growing up being told to "be seen and not heard", "put others first", "be quiet", "You're the reason my life is hell. If it weren't for you I would have a good life."
So, through my tears, I am going to go forward and not give up. Even if I don't deserve better, I won't continue like this. I will trust that the sun will rise on me tomorrow and shed light on my shadows.
Showing posts with label guilt. Show all posts
Showing posts with label guilt. Show all posts
Tuesday, April 6, 2010
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